In this bustling city, it seems that everyone is busy, and everyone seems to have their own dreams and goals. However, only I know that every street and every building in this city hides those unknown pains. Behind people’s smiling faces, there is an unspeakable helplessness and loneliness. Perhaps this is the norm of our lives: in the secular glory, there is a shadow in everyone’s heart.
I was born in an ordinary family. My father is an unknown middle school teacher and my mother is a middle school history teacher. There is not much wealth or glitz in the family. However, I have felt that I am destined to be different from this world since I was a child. Maybe it’s because of my name, maybe it’s because of my appearance, or my innate loneliness. I often look at myself in the mirror at night, thinking about which part of the world I belong to and why I feel so strange.
Girls of my generation like to get together and talk about love, the future, and those dreams that are like paper wars. They told those light jokes, drank coffee, and stroked the screen of their mobile phones, as if life would never lack beauty and ease. However, I always sat in the corner, watching them quietly, smiling, without saying a word. Their eyes and their conversations made me feel like I was watching a drama that did not belong to me.
In my conversations with them, there was always an inexplicable gap. When they talked about love, they were always passionate, as if every relationship was destined and could not be avoided. When they talked about marriage, they were always full of hope, thinking that it was the happiness that everyone deserved. However, I know that marriage is not that kind of gentle harbor, and love is not everyone’s destination. They are often full of unspeakable loss and emptiness, which often come quietly in the middle of the night, like an irresistible cold wind, cold to the bone.
The year I met him, I had just graduated from college and went to work in a small company with dreams for the future. When I first joined the company, I thought I could find a place for myself in this city of reinforced concrete. However, the days were not as bright and smooth as I imagined. Every day, I spent those boring and depressing times in the office. The busy work left me no time to think about those uneasy and lonely, but they always settled in my heart.
That day, he suddenly appeared in front of me. We didn’t say much, he just stood in front of me silently, smiling. At that moment, my mood suddenly became relaxed. It was a long-lost feeling, a long-lost warmth. I thought I had no longer believed in love, but at that moment, I began to waver. I know that the feeling of heartbeat may be the answer I have been looking for. We gradually came together and started a seemingly beautiful love.
However, love is not as perfect as I imagined. We began to quarrel, misunderstand, and feel the distance between each other. Those seemingly beautiful days were gradually swallowed up by trivial troubles. We began to become silent and alienated. Perhaps, the nature of love is like this. It is intoxicating at the beginning, but as time goes by, it will expose all the unspeakable cracks. We have all tried desperately to repair those cracks, but no matter how hard we try, it is difficult to bridge those cracks that have already existed.
One day, he suddenly told me that he decided to leave. I was not surprised or angry. At that time, I already understood that love is sometimes a helpless separation, like a dream that can no longer be turned back. We have no malice towards each other, but the trajectory of fate has led us to different directions. And I will continue to live my own life in this city, continue to face those lonely nights, and continue to endure those unspeakable pains.
After he left, I began to truly understand myself. In the past, I always longed to rely on others, longed to be understood by others, and longed to have that so-called happiness. But gradually, I realized that true happiness does not come from others, but from inner peace and satisfaction. I began to learn to be independent and learn to face every setback and difficulty in life alone. Gradually, I became strong and no longer easily relied on anyone.
However, this kind of strength does not mean that I no longer desire to love and be loved. It’s just that I have understood that love is no longer the whole of life, it is only a part of life. And I no longer expect the kind of beautiful love that falls from the sky, because I know that life is always full of variables and unpredictable ups and downs.
Today, I still live in this city, still go to get off work on time every day, and live an ordinary and monotonous life. Occasionally, I will meet some friends and talk about past love, the past time, and those dreams that have long disappeared. We laughed and sighed, but we all know that life will not change because of our smiles. It will still continue, and will still push us forward mercilessly until we all become tired, until we all understand that the meaning of life is not to pursue those unrealistic things, but to live out our own truth and calmness.
Perhaps, love is no longer our only sustenance, but a quiet harbor we find in the complicated life. We will eventually understand that life does not need too much gorgeousness and exaggeration, but only needs a peace and satisfaction that truly belongs to us.